Step 2 in Retrieving my Lost Time – Grace

Start with grace and appreciation for even the smallest action. Just as I open my eyes, I need to give grace to the Lord. I must say my gratitude for giving me another day to live and to witness the wonders of life here on Earth. It may be difficult to get up at times, but I need to remind myself that the Lord still gave me another chance; to change or to find another reason to pursue an act that will make me want to continue living.

If money was not a concern, I would have chosen to write stories and become a professional writer. However, it might take me a few more years to jump into that road and work my way to achieving such a goal. I need to earn to provide for my family. It was not specifically asked by my parents, but as the eldest child in the family, I think that I need to do as much as possible as to help.

Filipino Mindset of Helping Out

Recently, I had been in a seemingly infinite cycle of worrying because of my current financial status. I felt drained both physically and emotionally that I couldn’t focus on accomplishing anything. I think that with almost a decade after attending university, I am in a limbo. This is further heightened by my own personal want of providing well for my family.

As the “Ate” (older sister) in the family, the first four years of my career were set to help out in financing my siblings’ college education. My parents didn’t ask me to provide for everyone. It was on my own decision that I opted to give a portion of my salary for them. Honestly, I didn’t earn that much, almost just a bit higher than minimum wage, but I felt contented. It was not later on, when I reached 25 that I suddenly felt that “Woah, wait. I need to look after myself. I am not getting any younger.”

That statement may seem exaggerated as my sister only started work at the age of 24, but thinking of the dreams that I set aside, yes, my circumstances now seem a bit worrisome. Nonetheless, I didn’t exactly mind it as I grabbed a job that seems to be a passion that I would truly be happy with – teaching.

Passion over Finances is not enough

Teaching was wonderful. I enjoyed engaging with my students, sharing experiences, and even being strict in class. However, this didn’t last long as I got burned out with financial worries. Don’t get me wrong, finances aren’t the only things that matter in life, I know. However, being able to have enough and provide properly for the family is a crucial factor in staying in a job. Also, having to carry a load that isn’t even part of my job description is somehow too much. Okay, let’s be honest; a teacher isn’t an eight to five job as there are a lot of in between scenarios to take care of during the entire school year. However, being asked to juggle too many tasks at the same time with some of which should have been shouldered by others, that is too much.

Also, compensation wise, it won’t make ends meet that easily. Though I am truly grateful for the experience as it also helped make me more mature and more responsible in the way that I handle events in my life. I think that I need to find a way to help me meet this passion of mine. First by completing the required units to take the licensure examination (credentials and titles are still such a big thing in the Philippine setting; understandable as we are supposed to be professional). Then to pass the board.

For now, I am just grateful to the Lord for all the realizations that I have had for the past months. I have to be committed to seeing this through no matter how difficult or how long it may take.

Step 1 in Retrieving my Lost Time – Devotionals

In the previous post, I talked about my disappointment whenever I’d felt that I wasted my day. In my decision to get back my time, I wish to take the first step in that, hopefully, long-term commitment. I will start with my daily devotionals.

I have done this for an entire year last 2018 and almost got through the half of 2019. However, a stumbled a couple of months in the year and lost the drive to do anything. This was when I physically, emotionally, and mentally got drained to a point of a breakdown. I almost tried seeking professional support, though I didn’t get a chance to do so. But, no worries, I still do plan to take that step later on. I am simply taking this change, one step at a time. Perhaps, if you know any local (PH) venues where I can have free or with minimal charge, psychological assistance, I’d greatly appreciate it when you share it with me.

Morning Routine

With my new work schedule, I arrive home close to midnight already. I’d only have enough energy to wash my face, fix myself for bed, and doze off right away. In spite of that, I plan to take back my morning routine or set a new early morning habit that I can stick with. I think this is a good way to make sure that I have a system that can help get me back up into feeling and doing better than I have been for the past three to four months.

I plan to get up before 8:00 AM and make sure to devout it in prayer and my bible reading plans. Right now, I am using YouVersion and it has been really helpful in making me prepare for the day ahead. There are numerous plans that are suitable for various concerns: fear, purpose, happiness, and more. It has never been a bad move to thank God for another day in my life as well as the chance to find new meaning in the events that are happening around me.

Commitment

This kind of change is not that easy to see through the end, especially with little motivation or proper guidance. The good thing is that even before starting, I already accepted the fact that there will be struggles or trials along the way. That surely is a great thing to settle in my mind to make me see a better way to make this fresh commitment work. But, I think I will also share this one great song to help put this new task in perspective – Best News Ever by MercyMe to help me end this reflection for today. This is also a great reminder on how I can commit to this new step in my life.

Getting Back my Time

Have you ever felt like you needed more time in a day? Maybe, you have felt that at the end of the two dozens of hours, everything you did with your time was not that productive at all. Well, if you never felt this way, I am happy for you and how I wish that you may be able to share that with me.

On my part, I have had a lot of those moments when I simply couldn’t believe that more than 18 hours of my day went down the drain of unproductiveness. I felt disappointed with myself because after all, it was my own decision and action that led me to not do anything worth my time. Of course, there was once that time when I had never gotten tired of filling my schedule with tasks. It seemed that I always had the energy for various activities in one day that end, I felt fulfilled and satisfied with the way I used my hours. But gradually, as I got older, I slowly forgot about that drive.

Lost Focus

I got too focused with work that whenever I have a free time, I’d rather sleep or use my phone. I think that I got too attached to my device that I also skipped my usual habit of reading. I lost the motivation to continue with my passion projects as well. I built a mindset that I have exerted a lot of energy to work and that I simply deserve a relaxing time; idly tinkering with my phone or watching loads of hours of TV series/dramas. Then when the sun went down, I’d crawl with a burden of disappointment as I wasted my day that didn’t help in leading me closer to any of my life goals. Though, arguably, I was able to rest, but was the stress after it worth the random acts of fulfillment? Not so sure about that.

With that in my memory, I have to make sure that I move back to finding a better focus. Each of us will have a different priorities in our lives as we have distinct paths in reaching whatever we find as worthwhile life goals. In the years after graduating from the university, my priorities changed. My understanding of categorizing various events as well as tasks into priorities leaned closer to my family. My dreams changed as well. They aren’t as far-fetched as when I was younger; I became more realistic. This kind of experience both had it’s pros and cons.

There were days that somehow, I felt that days won’t be any better. The days just seemed to become a routine. Luckily, with my job, teaching students brought a lot of delight (as well as headaches). It was not easy, but I found the fulfillment. Until one day, I got too burned out. I realized that it was important to have a balance with work and rest. I also needed proper guidance for me to continue with doing work well.

I may be capable of doing my task properly with less guidance, but it would always have been better if there is a mentor who could share insights. I, after all, am an individual who wished to perform still better than what I do in the present. Moreover, I learned that being with the right set of people could affect my actions.

I learned to let go of my worries. I started facing my fears – the worry that I may not be doing well, emotionally, physically, and even mentally. I needed a redirection for my heart to be well. This is when I went back to God.

Initially, there was denial as I was not confident in facing the Lord again with the fear of rejection. But, I went back to the encounter I had long before when I received Him and then I remembered that I shouldn’t be afraid. This is when I realize that I need to make new commitments to help me stand up from the slump that I put myself in for the past year.

Commitment

There were days when I still struggle, but with a few more little steps to make, I hope that I could do better and retrieve my time. I may have wasted hours simply being lazy or doing random things that I thought would help me get better. Now, I wish to make a few commitments to let me start refocusing my goals to a life worth living – to a life where God is leading.

  1. Devout a quiet time with God – this should be on the top of my list. Not everyone may agree with me, but this is where I can get strength. Having to start a commitment with anything, without proper guidance would definitely double the difficulty. I have learned that with my faith in the Lord, I gain strength to face many trials. I may not be enough, but God is more than enough.
  2. Learn a new skill – it’s not that easy, but I hope to start getting my time back by changing my focus to something that can help me get better in the future. I may not be that young, and learning a new set of skills may take longer, but it’s worth a try. I personally would like to start learning any of these skills: a new language, swimming (as I am still very much afraid of deep water), and driving (yes, I still don’t know how to drive at this age).
  3. Keep up with an exercise routine – I’m not getting any much stronger and younger each day. I need to begin looking after myself, which includes taking care of my health. I do, honestly, slowly feel the drag of muscle pain as I work on a few exercise movements. This is something that I know I should have started much earlier. 😉 Also, this is an act that lets me take care of the body the Lord has lent me. After all, I need to stay strong to fulfill the plans He has for me.
  4. Go back to creating small passion projects – I have left some of my childhood dreams behind thinking that I would never be able to do them any justice at this age. But, I also learned that doing so won’t help me in any way, reaching a better appreciation of my life. I like reading stories and creating some of my own ones. Perhaps, I need to start doing so and sharing them to people who may wish to also read new stories that can help them ignite the flame of passion in their hearts.

Let’s see how these will end and I hope that I would find the strength to begin them now.

Facing my Giants

You work to live and you are not simply living to work. This is mainly the gist of common tips I hear from people who try to encourage me to continue working. This later became my own type of go-to reminder whenever I feel like giving up. Has it always been easy for “adults” to live a life they wished for?

Growing up, I always thought that people who are already in their 20’s know what they truly want in life. It seemed such a wonderful time to be at that stage of life when you have a profession that you can be proud of and share with the family. I also had that belief that people who are working in their 20’s had their life planned ahead of them; that life is such a black and white journey where there are milestones that you just need to check from your list and then you move on to the next phase. It was such a wonderful thought then. But now that I am in my mid-twenties, I see the world differently. Never really thought that there would be dozens of giants that I needed to face to reach the goal I wish to achieve. In fact, I am still on that road and not really sure what will be at the end of this journey. But, I think that there are still many giants that will be meeting me along the way.

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Wednesday Poetry

It seems like a late start, but I hope to bring life back to my blog. I haven’t written anything in the past couple of months as I simply tried to find better ways to adjust to my teaching job. Now, I will try to begin a new routine to bring myself back to writing. I hope to continue with this. As a first, let me leave this one here:

Good Morning

Hinga, May Isa Pa

Sa pagsayaw ng liwanag ng kandila sa ating harapan
Pakaliwa’t pakanang pagsabay sa ating bawat paghinga
Minsan inaakala nating patapos na ang problemang noo’y nagpahirap
Sa puso nating punong-puno na ng di magagandang alaala
Na may iilang natirang peklat katabi nang unti-unting naghihilom na sugat

Kaso sa bawat hakbang pasulong at sa paglapat ng liwanag
Dahan-dahang nagbabalik ang hapdi sa mga gasgas na naghilom
Na ipinanalangin natin nang taimtim na sana’y di na magbalik
Pero ngayo’y nagbabadyang muling bumukas at magpahirap
Na muling kikirot habang pilit nating huwag pansinin

Kaya yata talaga matalinghaga ang takbo ng ating tadhana
Minsan ang liwanag kasi’y natatakpan ng mga ulap
Na pilit naman nating itinataboy sa pag-ihip
Ng mainit na hiningang nagsasabing

Ako at ika’y buhay pa

Na ano man ang mangyari, may isa pa tayong panangga
Ang huminga at magpatuloy sa pagharap sa kung ano pang ibato ng tadhana

Matuto rin tayong magpahinga upang tayo ay makalaya
Ihanda ang ating mga mata sa pagmasid sa paglubog at pagsikat ng araw
Magasgasan mang muli, kumirot mang muli ang ating mga puso
Mabulag man saglit sa kislap ng liwanag ng mga nakaraan
Tayo ay magpapatuloy, may isa pa tayong hininga

Plan for 2018

[UPDATE 06/11/2018] This is still a plan and I was not able to really make this into a concrete action. But, it’s never too late to start. Maybe I can finally work on new posts starting this week up to maybe two to three months? 😉

Looking Back before Moving Forward to 2018

Today, I can say that welcoming my 25th year wouldn’t be that bad after I have grown to know more about myself as well as the different things that truly matter to me. However, before I can move forward to welcoming 2018, there are a lot of experiences that I need to look back to as I reflect and finally put them out of my mind and my heart. This is me letting go of those moments for me to have space for new ones in my head and my heart.

June 2013 – early 2015

  • ESL work -> got burned out from it 😦

Right after graduation, there were a lot of experiences that opened my eyes to how different it was to be a student and to be a part of the workforce. I spent almost two years of my post-grad concerns focused on a job which challenged me a lot (physically, mentally, and emotionally).

This was the time I realized that I wasn’t that good enough to be working in this field, but I didn’t let that stop me from doing well. So, I studied, I practiced, I endured, and I became a better ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher than how I thought I could be. Though, there were still a number of times when I truly wanted to cry from exhaustion and just quit. Like why in the first place was I there? I wasn’t even a speech communication graduate; I chose writing as my major!

Honestly, for the first three to five months, I had always thought of quitting. Then, the kids came to the academy. I had to endure all the challenges and faced them head-on. I loved the kids, I loved how I was sharing a part of my knowledge with them, and I love how I was becoming a part of their growth as an individual. As I saw them improve, I felt that I needed to be there to guide them. This was not an entirely good choice, though.

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Rekindling the Drive for Writing

As I worked through my new job this year, there had been little time left for me to do any writing. I mean, typing stories or poems for myself. There had been enough hours for me to simply relax and sleep. I wanted time off from facing my Chromebook/laptop that it started to get too dragging to find some quiet moments to engage in my personal writing. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to even go back to this habit of mine that I have been trying to develop since college.

It seems like fair enough for me to at least give myself this nth chance to find the heart to connect words again for an interesting twist of stories or even give life to the different characters I have in mind. But, can I really write better this time?

Maybe, yes, in time. I have to practice concretizing the ideas I have in a comprehensible piece. I was once here, in a similar state, and I needed time then to find my voice, my style of writing. I need to see this opportunity as another beginning where I have to develop the skill and continue polishing my craft. It is not going to be that easy, I know, but I am willing to start doing this passion of mine again. There are steps that I have to make sure I complete.

1. Rebuild the Habit

I have to set a time and place where I can concentrate on my writing – only writing. I have exhausted myself multiple times trying my best to sit down and finish a piece, but I get easily distracted with other “unfinished” tasks. So, for this coming year, I plan to rebuild my writing habit.

I have this particular notebook that I keep handy for notes. When I think of an idea for a story or a poem, I will write this down. Then, when I get home, when I am ready to face my laptop and complete it, I need to focus on it alone. No other tabs online. Perhaps have music as my buddy this time.

2. Read and read more

If there is something I regret this year, it is the habit that I lost – reading. I have a lot of books in the room which I have yet to finish or even open for that matter. I feel really sad thinking that I lost many hours too preoccupied with worrying about work and other related stuff. So, this 2018, I need to keep any work-related concerns in the school and do my writing and reading at home. No distractions from work – only unless it is truly urgent.

Also, in addition to this is to give me the chance to discover new styles and storytelling. I want to find new trends and flavors to writing as I am somehow stuck with my old books and favorite authors’ works solely. I think that I have to visit the bookstores more often or ask friends for recommendations. As I see myself too limited in terms of the genres I read.

3. Do and finish one task at a time

One other concern that has kept me from completing any manuscripts or even good short stories is that I always stay halfway done. I couldn’t seem to finish an entire story well. I let myself be distracted midway and then gradually forgot about the piece I was doing. To address this, I need to fix a certain rule whenever I sit down to write. Maybe, one good thing is that (a) no phones connected to the net while I write; (b) no checking of emails and social media sites; and (c) prioritize well – write them down.

With these three, I hope that I can gradually find my old “writer” self and see new moments to help me create a colorful as well as meaningful works to share with others. It is somehow difficult if I am going to look into it even though I only have to complete three tasks. But, this is for the me that I truly want to be in 2018.

Ongoing Passion Project

Dance with the midnight Sun

Poetry with a bit of darkness in it.

Poetry with a bit of darkness in it.The year 2017 is almost over and in a couple of months, people will be doing their new year’s resolutions again while I’m still stuck on the list that I don’t know where I got the idea from exactly. Nevertheless, in the remaining days of this year, I will work on something that I think (still not sure, though) I can finish. *fingers crossed*

 

 

 

 

 

 

Estranghero

A work in progress. Still yet to complete.

With these two, I hope to go back to my old habits where I am not yet preoccupied with work concerns. The poetry may seem like a hodgepodge of sorts, but, they are because those works were from random pieces I wrote in a span of years. Then, the Estranghero is my chance to bleed some senses to a possible full manuscript. So, here’s a great end to 2017.