Revisiting My Old Self

Have you ever had a moment when you wanted to look back to your own self? Perhaps, to see how you were then and find another way to make sense of all your decisions and experiences. In my case, as I get older, I think I become more sentimental and so I pick up on some of my old works. Whether it is an unfinished story or a forgotten stanza, all of them help me remember the experiences I once had, and even the heart breaks I had to endure.

For this week, here are some of the collections I tried to complete in the past five years, yet until now, they seem lacking with bits and pieces of the emotions and the memories I would have wanted to keep. If you have the time, you may check them out in my tablo page. Hope you like reading them. ❤

Limbo is a collection of poems that I have started, I guess, about four or five years ago. I am not that confident when it comes to writing poetry (I learned this the hard way during my univ days). However, I find writing poetry a relaxing and refreshing experience. I get to challenge myself and learn a thing or two about new concepts. I know that I still have a long way to go, yet that exact thought keeps bringing me back to the process.

I hope that I would be able to do another collection where I can already present a more refined set of techniques while keeping the content close to heart, still. There may be a long way to go from here, but I am hoping for the best.

Now, for the second one (Pagkakataon, Talon!), this is a collection of my writing exercises and writing submissions from my university days. Upon revisiting my works during that time, I can say that I miss my younger self. The one who was brave enough to try sharing her own cluttered thoughts through writing raw ideas into her submission. How I miss that carefree self of mine who was so focused on her craft. What happened years after that? Hmm, perhaps, that is where the last collection comes in.

This last one, Working Girl Conversations, started as just a space where I could share my overflowing worries and exhaustion as a person gradually finding her space as part of the work force. Not exactly sure if the written pieces here truly justifies my experiences, but they do bring back those moments of uncertainty and near-crying concerns of my twenty-something self. Also, the title was made when I wanted to have the book as a passion project with my closest friends. However, sadly, I never really got into planning and executing that process with them. Maybe this year I can find time and focus on completing this collection.

Abril: Isa pang pagkakataon

Dati-rati sa loob lamang ng ilang oraas ay nakasusulat na ako ng isang buong akda, mapa tula, maikling kuwento o kahit pa nga dula. Iyon ba ay dahil sa malawak at malaya kong kaisipan noong ako’y mas bata pa? O dahil sa pangangailangang dala ng mga markang kaakibat ng mga akda?

Sa paglipas ng panahon, lalo lamang dumadalang ang aking pagbisita sa makulay na mundo ng mga iba’t ibang sanaysay. Tila naging walang kamatayang litanya ko na ang mga katagang “Pagod ako,” “Mas kailangan ko magtrabaho,” o “May bukas pa naman para sa pagsusulat.” Ang malungkot pa sa lahat ay minsan nakikinig ako sa bulong na mula sa aking konsensya na nagsasabing, Wala kang karapatang magsulat dahil wala rin namang makabuluhan o malalim na mensahe ang mga salitang gusto mong ibahagi. At dahil sa mga ganitong sunud-sunod na pagkakataon ay mas naging madalang na rin ang aking pagbuklat ng mga aklat na maaari sanang magdala muli sa akin pabalik sa nakalipas na mga taon.

Hirap akong umupo at makipagtalastasan sa akdang binabasa dahil tila hinila na ako ng bigat ng araw-araw na pagkayod sa trabahong nagbibigay sa akin ng kakayahang mamuhay na busog ang tiyan at may bubong sa aking bunbunan. Ang mga salita ko tuloy ngayon ay lipas na rin sa panahon. Ang pusong dati’y matapang na nakikipagbuno sa mga tauhan at eksenang dala ng aking imahinasyon at mga pangarap, ay ngayo’y napupuno ng mga alalahanin ng realidad na dala ng pagtanda. Mas nakatatakot pa sa pinakamadilim na yugto ng isang kuwentong kababalaghan ang naging bunga ng aking pagtalikod sa ideyang itinago ko na lamang sa kaibuturan ng aking kaisipan. Ngayon ang bolpen ko’y natuyo na sa kakulangan ng kaalaman upang mas makapagbahagi ng mga karanasang kakatok sa isipan at puso ng mga mambabasa. Nawalan na rin ang bolpen ko ng kakayahang magsimula ng ilang katagang magpapahiwatag ng anyayang pakikihalubilo sana sa mga pangarap ng aking mambabasa. Ngayon, tila tanging ang araw-araw na pagdilat sa umaga at pagharap sa blankong pahina ang namamayani sa ilan pang taong daraan. Ngunit ngayon ay bibigyan ko muna ng isang saglit na paggunito sa sulat na ito ang aking kabataang nais magpaalam. Kahit pa nangingilid ang luha, paumanhin muna at magkakalat ako ng ilan sa aking mga akdang naluma na sa loob ng aking mga kuwaderno. Sa loob ng mga susunod na linggo, bibigyan ko sila ng buhay sa loob ng mundo ng internet para sana, kahit isa, ay may makabasa sa kanila.

Ongoing Passion Project

Dance with the midnight Sun

Poetry with a bit of darkness in it.

Poetry with a bit of darkness in it.The year 2017 is almost over and in a couple of months, people will be doing their new year’s resolutions again while I’m still stuck on the list that I don’t know where I got the idea from exactly. Nevertheless, in the remaining days of this year, I will work on something that I think (still not sure, though) I can finish. *fingers crossed*

 

 

 

 

 

 

Estranghero

A work in progress. Still yet to complete.

With these two, I hope to go back to my old habits where I am not yet preoccupied with work concerns. The poetry may seem like a hodgepodge of sorts, but, they are because those works were from random pieces I wrote in a span of years. Then, the Estranghero is my chance to bleed some senses to a possible full manuscript. So, here’s a great end to 2017.