How to Get Back Up from a Slump?

Crying your eyes out early in the morning isn’t a great start for the day, but still getting up and preparing for work is a huge step in facing the day better. In fact, even just the thought of trying is a strong choice to make to begin the day. However, it is not that easy to do every single time this moment happens. This is something I realized just recently when I got to the lowest point of my physical, emotional, and even mental threshold; with the latter, an event that is totally new to me.

Calm Before the Storm

A quick background about me, I am the eldest of three and I just turned 26 this year which, I guess, stirred up a lot of unsettled emotions and thoughts within me. Growing up as the eldest child in a Filipino family setup means opening myself to maturity at an earlier stage compared to my siblings; though this may be the case with many other first borns.

Even when I was just in Grade 1, I remember having to do household chores at home as well as keeping an eye on my baby sister and my youngest brother. They are only roughly more than a year apart, unlike with me who is two years older than my sister and four years older than my brother. I thought it was a typical situation and simply enjoyed the days.

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A Trip to Loving Myself More

Everyone is on a one-way trip through life. Whether you believe in reincarnation, it won’t happen until another lifetime. 

Love poems, love notes, lovers hugging, billboards reminding of love and romance, romantic TV series and movies; there sure is romance everywhere. But, why does it seem difficult to love me? With the numerous stories passed on from generations to generations, there seems to be that innate need for people to find a partner to “complete” themselves. Have you ever felt lost because of such an idea? I know with me, I have, had, still having those thoughts.

Let me take this as a starting point for my weekly series which I would like to feature in this blog for the month of October: Dreamer’s Confession. With dozens of dreams in my head, wouldn’t it be great to try and explore the possibilities of finding an outlet for them?  Aside from the dreams, there are like hundreds of doubts in my heart which I need to express before fully facing my dreams. With that, the first on the list is love.

Love: Am I lacking it?

Where should I start? For you, where would you start when people ask you about your romantic endeavors or perhaps your own love story?

In my case, I can’t really share anything as my experiences are extremely limited with just my elementary to college crushes. Yes, I am one of the lucky thousands (are we really that many?) who have never been in a relationship. It is somehow difficult to explain how it happened, but at my age, I guess I would give an excuse that no one may have actually liked me to be in a relationship. How such a sweet reason; like it’s not my fault, I may really just be that naive or insensitive.

That’s such a lame reason which I simply need to put the blame on others for not liking me. In reality, I think I never really just let myself take a chance with being in love. I feel comfortable with people around me which is a big leap from my introverted self in elementary and high school, though what exactly is one of the factors which led me to my status right now: single.

Forms of Love

There a lot of experiences in life that leads more to just marriage. In our short journey through the passing of years, there are numerous people to share our love with. I believe that not everyone is meant to get married. Yes, others can have a surprising moment where each one meets for a brief time yet not really have the chance to stay together for the rest of their lives.

Love is not just seen in one form. There are different ways to express it. For you, do you only show one kind of love?

Reasons I make to feel good

There aren’t enough reasons to make myself feel good. But, there is even a wonderful experience of learning to love yourself. I never fully understood the meaning of this until I needed to love myself. There were a lot of insecurities that tried to knock me down as I was growing up. It was so easy to compare myself to others around me (and still is). It even turned into making me the worst critic of myself which led to the feeling of me not being enough. There was even a phase in my life when I wasn’t sure about myself and what I can do or even achieve. That was a difficult point to pick me up. Then through the years of enduring numerous experiences and meeting different types of people, I gradually accepted the love coming from my own. Was it easy? Not really, but it was remarkable and refreshing.

Everyone is on a one-way trip through life..png

Adulting: Struggles of Letting Go

Have you ever experienced a day when you just blurt out statements like ‘Shocks, I’m getting old!’ or ‘Seriously? How old are you?’? I have those moments now, but I’m not even close to turning 30. I just hit the sweet quarter of a hundred mark and yet I feel somehow overwhelmed on how ‘adult’ I should be after that particular age. I think of how “Oh dear, my officemate doesn’t know this or that anymore’; ‘The bills are here already!’; ‘I want to do that but I’m tired.’ Don’t those statements just sound sad?

In modern references, it is just a part of ‘adulting’ which everyone in their working years must face. However, as it seems to be a natural thing to happen, why are there a number of us who struggle with it?

Keeping Up with the Young Ones

Get Updated

I think that there are times when the younger generation is catching up so fast in terms of age, but our sentiments are leagues away. This is one factor in how our ‘adulting’ becomes evident, and how this phenomenon seems like a burden. We start comparing our own memories to the ones who we somehow feel like us during those years.

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Seeing Colors – Job, Travel, and Life

Seeing colors

There are a lot of things that I wish I knew, I hope I can still do, and I want to pursue. But at the end of the day, there are just too many to pick and I end up accomplishing nothing. Still, with the hope in my heart and the desire to finally put into work whatever ideas are screaming out of my mind, I take little steps. In those little steps, I learn, and later I see the beauty of a colorful set of life-worthy experiences that help in building the person I am now. Frankly speaking, I do like the way I am now (though there is a number I still want to improve).

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Plan for 2018

[UPDATE 06/11/2018] This is still a plan and I was not able to really make this into a concrete action. But, it’s never too late to start. Maybe I can finally work on new posts starting this week up to maybe two to three months? 😉

Rainy Days, Films, and a Hot Cup of Coffee

Multiple raindrops can trigger a lasting sensation. There aren’t much to do on rainy days. How I wish I could go back to my younger years when I can dance in the rain without any worries to bother me. Now that I’m 22, I find other musings to keep me company. There are dozens of books waiting for me to finally pick them up. Different notebooks lay bare on my table (sometimes on the bookshelf, or possibly under my bed) because I hoped to write when I suddenly have some incredible ideas. Sad to say, those notebooks are gathering more dust than letters.

Adult worries come in different forms: work, responsibility, forgotten dreams. Aside from all of those concerns, the worst trouble I have now is getting distracted so easily. When I turn on my computer, online sites distract me. When I try to write some notes, other things on my table distract me. When I try to read a book, my thoughts distract me. There is an endless cycle of starting and getting distracted; going back but end up procrastinating. That’s why now, I wish to limit all of these distractions to one or two things (hopefully I have enough willpower to do so).

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Museong Salamin

Apat na sulok ang lalakbayin
Bago lisanin ang nakaraang madilim
Pero paano matatapos
Kung ang pader ay salamin?

Walang katapusan ang pag-ikot
Dumudoble ang sulok sa bawat tingin
Dumadagundong ang pintig ng puso
Nagbabadya o nagpapaalala

Mag-ingat ka sa anumang paparating

Sulyap sa kaliwa may litratong dala
Panahon ng bata pa’t walang problema
Tanging pag-iyak sa nasirang laruan
Pagkatalisod o pagkatalo sa larong taguan

Kabig sa kanan ay may estatwang kahoy
Nakatitig, nakalahad ang palad
Tutulong o nanghihingi ng tulong
Ito ang dala ng museong salamin

Sa aking panaginip lamang nakalalayo
Tunay na ngayong nilalakaran at nilalamon
Ng paulit-ulit na sulyap sa parehong panahon
Alaalang ibinabaon pero nangingibabaw sa maghapon

Walang lugar na matatakbuhan
Katinuan ay hahabulin na rin hanggang mapagod
Sa tunay na sulok ng silid na kabaong
Matapos basagin ang mapanlinlang na anino

Day 5 Memories of My Forgotten Childhood

Just my simple reflection for today:

Many things are flying all over my mind. I know that I’m old-fashioned and I prefer writing my concerns and wishes die instead of sharing them with others. It’s kind of selfish, I guess. This selfishness is eating me whole.

Insecurities sometimes linger as I try to pick myself up. Tried to plan my whole life, but I fell hard. Now, I don’t even give a damn. Or so I think.

My worries and dreams at written, but my body fails to react due to my sense of procrastination. Laziness at its best, coated with insecurities. I ended up with a selfish personality afraid to completely share. Scared even more to explore and act to reach my dreams and hope… I hope. I pray. I scream for rescue!
There’s no voice. No sound. Not a slight echo.

My hands are trembling, finding recognition. The I face the wall. I can see now. I am getting old and my dear friend’s picking me up.

“Time’s up,” he said gently.

“But I haven’t started. I haven’t lived yet, ” I answered.

“Sorry, but that’s all you’ve got. We need to go home now,” he finished and grabbed my hand.

I can’t fee anything. Only my face feels hot. I’m burning! I can’t see my way. My eyes are clouded. A tear falls to my cheek and stings. I gripped on something. His hand. I said goodbye. I shall do better if I’m given a next time.

Reflections of My Somewhat Writer Self

Friends and acquaintances usually have an impression and/or expectation that when someone wants to be a writer or is already one, has a different sense of reality. That most of the conversation you’ll encounter with a writer would be reflective or deep. Maybe those people are just my friends and not others in general. Anyhow, writing is also considered by some as an old, dying trade, so finances might crumble on top of the writer’s lap.

When I don’t meet those expectations, the thought makes me feel that something is wrong with me. Why the hell did I choose to write?

Friends of friends might even be surprised and gasp that “Oh, you like to write. That’s great!”

but behind your back you’ll hear them whisper, “I can’t believe her. Poor girl.” 

or even

“A writer? She’s too ordinary!”

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