In a breath of air, 2020 has gone by so quickly that the memory of the time is a blurred chapter in my life. I know I had been busy, but with the lack of many physical interactions with friends, all the passing days seemed bleak. When 2021 was over, I initially felt unproductive and full of uncertainties. However, I welcomed a new opportunity in the last quarter of the year. However, I later realized that another year ended. However, this time, I was in a different country with additional uncertainties about the future. Now, it’s 2023, and I entered a new decade in my life, yet I still couldn’t seem to pick myself up from this massive slump.
Such a reflection of the passing of time opened up a stronger hold on the struggles I have already been escaping from since 2019. I have been in a deep slump where moving a step forward takes me two or even three steps back. How would I ever let go of such feelings?
Start of the Struggle
I have had only a few to none written in the past years as I made myself preoccupied with work (adjusted to full-time online senior high school teaching was no sweet treat, plus I moved to another country for a new opportunity). I forgot about myself and my writing escapades. I dragged myself into a pit of mindless worrying, endless video/movie/series binge-watching, and even unhealthy daydreaming. All these actions led to the ever-concerning cycle of procrastination and last-minute panicking. Each time I thought I could begin again, I faced a massive wall of fear that led to negative thoughts that filled my mind and later paralyzed me.
Now, three months into this year and there are still dozens of stories in my heart that I have not shared. I have become the enemy of my productivity as I permitted the long slump to continue. There has been an endless lull over the past years, but as I finally step into a new opportunity, I hope that I can truly start anew.
Yes, there is still the grave global pandemic around us, and the world is still trying to survive this ordeal (or mostly Asia as the rest of the western world seemed to have moved on way earlier). Yet, as an individual moving forward, I hope to see the good in this new normal we live in as our present. Even with lingering fear that I might contract the virus, I am also longing to go back to the time when we could move more comfortably from one city to the next. I miss the somehow mundane yet refreshing chance of seeing people’s faces, especially their smiles. It seems that building connections have become extra difficult as the pandemic progressed.
But there are still those little sweet moments that I cherish as I witness people who I care about move closer to achieving their dreams, or somehow trying to take the next step in starting a new chapter in their lives.
After putting down all the things that may have affected my actions, I think it is time for me to take action and gradually work my way back to the time when I was the most productive. Also, I wish to gradually see myself as somehow the same as before when I felt the happiest with my work, my writing habits, and my aspirations.
I know that I have done such retrospection in the past and yet I end up not making it through. However, somehow with this new year and new decade in my life, I am more hopeful than ever. Also, hopeful that my motivation and acitons would see me through until I finally get back on my feet.
There is that desire to get back to seeing my creative side again. The years have made me simply go through the flow of being and not really of living. I am in this place yet I simply let the course of the day (and the actions of others)lead me. I wish to take more control of my actions and finally be present.