Yakapin

Words came scratching their way up my throat. I wanted to scream my feelings out to breathe, but everything seemed like a slo-mo, black and white film. 

What was I about to say?

I saw through someone else’s eyes. Or were they mine? 

I walked back through my mind to find the missing lines. 

I saw you. 

I saw me, through the mirror hanging on the wall behind you and me. 

A cold breeze kissed my cheeks. My eyes closed instantly without my control. Then my feet sank on the floor. The room got smaller as I reached the walls. The room turned into a mushy goo like the bad macaroni I ate for dinner earlier. 

But was it earlier or a day before?

Nevermind. The room sank. No, I sank. Still, I smiled from ear to ear. 

A bad macaroni and its yellowish goo that made me sick. That was the only thing I remembered. 

Maybe that was a week ago. 

“No,” whispered a voice from behind. 

When was it? 

I was still smiling from ear to ear. I saw nothing but I felt it. 

A quick flash of blinding light welcomed me after my whole body sank to the room downstairs. There was no light but I guess my eyes were closed before a beam of red sparks forced me to see. 

Nobody was there. 

I wore a navy blue tie and that was all. I checked. But, I didn’t feel my breasts!

What happened to my breasts?

I reached lower to check the other parts of me. My hands stopped just an inch below my flat chest. 

Were my arms gone as well?

Words wanted to climb their way up my throat. Digging deeper into my flesh. I hoped blood splatter all over, but only an empty open mouth reflected on the mirror hanging behind you and me. 

My eyes saw no face. Screeching sounds overwhelmed you. No, me. 

I looked at my hands and saw the walls coming nearer. My fingers touched the moist walls and I leaned against them. I felt numb, maybe tired. I heard the screeching sounds again. 

Alas! It was from my own fingernails. Slowly yet seemed so gently, my nails…

Your nails peeled off from your pinkish flesh. 

“Beautiful,” you said. 

It’s alright, I replied. I got used to the smell and the sight. Nothing special. Only a bit of myself cringed with every eeeeeeeeeee…

You stopped and the little spots of blood slowly formed into a frown right in the middle of the wall. The fingernails grew bigger like some little seeds planted on the ground. Tiny sprouts broke out of the soil to shout for life. 

Tears fell from each one. I knew then that you were sad. 

Sorry, I wanted to say but I couldn’t.

My mouth shut with barbed wires. The wall melted like wax. Out of the room, I flew to the mountains next door. 

“Hello,” the blue sky greeted. At least there was another voice to hear. Though, it was your voice, still. So, I thought. 

A clock tick-tocked on the sun. February moved to January of the next year. I waited. You didn’t come. It took a worldly second for the mountains to change from a lovely verdant home to a snow covered, frozen zone. 

How poetic, I thought. 

This life, overflowing with unsuspecting surprises. I sank taller, grew smaller. There were glittering reflections on the icy water. Picked up a pair of skates, a door opened, it was too late. Summer came knocking. Sun lit brightly and the entire room burned from floor to ceiling. I walked quietly across hell and tiptoed to the basement on the first floor. Nothing’s odd. It was routine. 

There was the clock again and the mirror that reflected the image of you and me. Fire blazed around its frame yet no glare blocked the view. You looked straight. I looked for you, beyond the reflection on the mirror hanging behind you and me. 

A door opened beside you. Still, you looked straight. A door opened next to me, I touched the knob and felt the electrifying jolt of delight when I saw you waiting in the other room. 

False hope. 

It was two rooms to the right. No bridge connecting you to me. My room was a hollow cage with no beginning or end. 

I’m stuck, I shouted. 

Echoed from wall to wall, bounced to the continuous cycle of the hollow cage. 

How was it possible? 

A thought of reality finally struck me. 

Lightning hit the door frame. I still held the knob tightly but the electricity stopped before it reached my pinky. 

The room shattered. There were pieces of each one reflected on the other. Over and over. One part is within the other. One memory scattered on the loophole of the empty room within this magical world between. A haven we created. I, you, whoever needed help.

Repeated the process until I got to the final room. Though years passed, my head only grew bigger, my breast flatter, my arms longer, sometimes shorter. Feet stuck. Feet moved. Feet left in the other room. 

Words came back to life. I wanted to speak. Silence broke the chance. Skipped to the next chapter of this carousel ride. My thoughts kept repeating the search for meaning. Only the mirror hanging on the wall behind you and me remained steady. Sure of its place. 

Steady. Understood the challenges of cheating, living on a fallacy. Cheating death. Cheating the beauty of unity. 

Worked my way through a series of trances. I wished to remember your physical beauty. My masculinity. My femininity. For this world, our world. 

Forgot every detail. 

The shape of my nose, to the arch of your lips, the length of my hair, the redness of your cheeks. Here, only the senses, the ideas, the memories are kept. True or false, story or reality. They all remained here. They all got locked up within my head, maybe my heart.

“Don’t question reality,” you shouted from atop.

I ran to escape that room of thoughts. I never liked monologues. 

I walked to the center of the stage. My eyes longing for you even though the spotlight blinded the way. 

Is somebody there? 

An echoing laughter filled my guts. Not butterflies, but worms tickled the tiniest vein from within. The tiniest of the tiniest, I forgot their names.

Were you happy then? 

When the lights filled the theater, I opened my eyes to a waterfall. The ticklish shock on my stomach came up to my chest, just a bit to the left of my heart. It wanted to take its place instead. Should I let it?

The waterfalls drifted farther. Every bit of the thump, thump from my chest pulled the room bigger, smaller, bigger, smaller. The ticklish beat burst and the room exploded into pieces, but I lived. 

Why was I still here? 

Wake up. Stand up. Shut up. Let it be. 

Why did you have to question reality? 

Wake up. Stand up. Shut up. Let it be. 

I opened my eyes to the slo-mo, black and white film again. I looked into someone else’s eyes. I saw you. 

I saw you. 

The plaza expanded into a wild craze. People came from the North, South, East, West, Sky, Water, and Earth. Music played, so I guessed. Everyone danced across the square. They danced, but my ears were locked. Never heard a tune from the beginning. 

My life played like a movie with only two scenes: life, death. 

So, what happened in between? 

You told stories. 

Did I?

Everyone looked the same. One movement from left to right. Girls, boys, men, women swayed then kicked and finally stared at me. They had my face, your face. They held their ears one at a time. Their hands pulled slowly. Red spots dropped on the floor. Pulled and pulled again they did. Hundreds of them took our faces off and waved them in the air. Each one smiled with only the fresh, red, and soft flesh still holding together for mere life. 

Shoulders from North, South, East, West cracked. Up and down. Up and down, Sky, Water, Earth frowned. The boys laughed hard, their jaws dropped. Girls giggled, their eyes pulled out. Men and women delighted, arms reached out and broke open. Ahhhh, this is life. 

I smiled from ear to ear. I didn’t see my reaction, I felt it. 

Was I a bother? 

Space took over my room. Your shadow lingered on the burnt mirror hanging between me and the you I knew. 

The roof collapsed and the floor shook. My death had come too early today. 

It’s not time yet. 

The floor flew to the air. I closed my eyes and slid down a large pipe. Droplets of stinky, green water greeted me.  Never felt relieved like before. This was the first time I escaped death with the help of the rooms that kept me all these years. 

I grew, you stayed. 

You flew, I got stuck. 

There was this certain cycle of leaving, longing, lasting eternity. 

The trip down took a second. Memories remained with the colorful events of the seemingly 300 years of occupation. History came flashing across my mind. 

Strange. I was never there. 

A crowd gathered all around. A pool of red liquid filled the room. There was glass on all four sides. Creatures of all sizes and origins swam graciously. Some waved their fins to greet. Others stared blankly with their hollow eye sockets. 

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Note: These days I find it difficult to work on any creative writings. I have been busy with work but as much as I could, I try to sit down and put some thoughts into actual written output. There is always a day, a chance, to pick up the bits of ideas that come visiting me on a daily. This piece is one of those chances that I took.