Waves of various height and strength punch me straight to the face whenever I try to jump away from my current position in life. Most of the time, the challenging waves are a mix of my worries, insecurities, uncertainties, indecisiveness, and many other negative thoughts fueled by the scared kid in my head. There have been numerous attempts to escape this destructive cycle. However, in all of my living moments, I still feel that I am lacking. Honestly, I think at the top of all these is my gradual fall to unproductiveness. I get sucked in the tedious habit of procrastination brought by the uncontrollable use of my mobile phone. What exactly brought me to this kind of escapist route?
Nearing the End of Another Decade (or about to start?)
The beginning of 2020 is the start of a new decade that was supposedly offering new opportunities for everyone to start afresh. Everything had been extra difficult, however, due to the spread of the COVID-19 in 2020. The unexpected turn of events last year made me reflect on the priorities that I must have in life. The situation also brought in many new concerns, which, I guess, needed to find an outlet to stay sane throughout the entire ordeal. In my case, I am grateful for work as I still had a seemingly normal system going on. The work-from-home setup was initially ideal though it took a toll after a couple of weeks of being or needing to be available any time of the day and the week.
As 2020 passed by seemingly quickly due to the limited routine that we had as cities quarantined for months, I was also pressed by the numerous happenings around my social environment. A lot of acquaintances got engaged, got married, and had babies. Those events brought good memories, somehow. However, 2020 also brought heartaches as close family friends died, and my small number of close friends got even smaller. There were days when I felt sad as I could not easily reach out to my closest friends. I think my introversion got more active during those times. Luckily, I had to endure those months of quarantine with my family. I could not imagine the feeling of those who had to be on their own during these trying times.
Hello to an Older Me
Even with all the sad, confusing, and even maddening moments of 2020, I am here, facing another year to add to my age as I welcome 2021. Being a January baby sure has a lot of perks as I do not need to wait for many more months to start the count for my 365 journeys. Now, I am trying to see each day as a chance to grow and do better (or at least try to do better).
One of the things on top of my wishful list is about my writing. I hope to be more consistent in writing down my thoughts, experiences, and even stories that I have been keeping all in my head. I know that writing and telling a story need skills that must be developed and polished through time and practice. However, for the past eight years after graduating from university, I only got back to writing a few couple times. I mean, in terms of creative writing, I mostly got zero practice these days. I only have had opportunities to write articles for Friendly Borders Organization.
I hope to get back and greet my old self again; my old self, who was so curious in engaging with various characters, scenarios, and even unfamiliar places just to complete a written piece. I missed those nights where I rest for a few minutes or hours, and I would have a story in my mind. Now, it has been difficult to even finish a paragraph with a coherent flow. Perhaps, this concern is a result of my constant overthinking as I usually have thoughts of wanting to be more mature in my expressions and my work. I guess there is still a lot to unlearn and relearn if I truly wish to step into that previous stage in my life. I could never be as young and carefree as I once was; however, I would like to use the experiences I have had so far to help me better communicate my thoughts to others. After all, I am only a couple of years shy from closing the third decade of my life here on earth. Maybe it is now the right time to be brave enough to take chances and restart my view of life. There are still going to be a lot of uncertainties and unanswered questions, yet now, I am willing to live life one day at a time. There may still be some great obstacles along the way, but I will be embracing those as part of my growth. It is going to be my means of rediscovering myself and my will to live.
Yakapin 