Time flies fast these days that there are moments when I feel like I am being left behind. Not in terms of all the monetary advancements in life, however, it seems that somehow I am being dragged by time as I simply live each day as a routine. This kind of thinking is not helpful in keeping me motivated in those events when I need it the most. However, I still try to pick myself up and do better, somehow.
At this age, I realized that I have let in to many distractions in my life that it is so easy to lose track of my actual goals and dreams. My days fill with screaming thoughts of worry, uncertainty, and self-doubt. Those ideas have occupied a big chunk inside of my mind and are gradually moving towards my heart. It is difficult to describe how each of those slither through the cracks of my being. It took me a long while before I am able to make progress in finally facing those dark, lingering thoughts.
Now, there may not be concrete items to check on my list, yet each new step I make that is different from yesterday seems to bring a spark of joy in my heart. With this kind of mindset, I do not feel the pressure and the worries that I once had. My days feel more secure. I think that this is because out of all the plans I could have made and those tasks that I have procrastinated on, there is one on my to-do list that I have gradually picked up on and have kept constant in my routine. This new habit is my daily devotionals. There is a sense of peace that I find in my quiet time with the Lord. There are a number of realizations that struck me through this new process that I am trying to place in my system. For instance, this particular statement made me pick myself up again after feeling so down for a couple of days:
Some difficulties are clearly of our own making. For these we need to assume personal responsibility by working towards their resolution.Charles Ringma, 1995 (Dare to Journey with Henry Nouwen, Reflection 65 Mobilising our Pain)
Throughout the years, I have gradually opened myself to the wisdom and guidance of the Lord. Even though there are still some instances when I get too stubborn to listen and act on God’s responses to my concerns. I blamed my situations, my interactions with others, and even other random matter that I can think of just to escape facing the brutal reality that I am also at fault. With this reflection from Charles Ringma, my initial thoughts were solidified. I am, after all, the one who made the choice that got me in the different situations I had to face in life. Instead of blaming or looking for someone/something else to blame, I need to be brave enough to accept the result of my own doing. Once I am able to accept this fact, that is the only time that I can be at peace and start doing the right actions and making the proper choices to help me take responsibility in resolving my problems.
Aside from those types of realizations, I know now that there are a lot of other individuals out there who can provide a clearer understanding of the various revelations in the word of God. There is still a lot that I need to learn, accept, and understand. That is why I have combined a series of guided devotionals with the set bible chapters to read, videos to watch, and even other helpful reflections to read. I also find listening to various worship songs helps me focus (even the ones in a foreign language). This helps me continue the new habit that I am trying to build. However, I also am learning that I cannot do this on my own.
The place of silence sometimes needs to be crowded with others.Charles Ringma, 1995 (Dare to Journey with Henry Nouwen, Reflection 63 Silence)
Being someone who has grown to be comfortable in my own quiet space with no concerns from the outside world, it is a challenge to let people into my world. Though this is the case, I am willing to open up again and finally find the peace with others who may share the same experience or even those who are willing to join me in this journey. 🙂