Whys and What ifs

Why is it that every time I try to start a new day with a positive mindset, I get pulled by the painful grips of reality that I have been living a routine life? There are a lot of supposedly interesting activities out there that are available for me to enjoy. However, I am left with the feeling of unfamiliarity, which is somehow leaning towards fear. Why is it scary to try something for the first time? Why am I not as curious as I once was, or was I always like this growing up?

During the wee hours of the morning, my heartbeat is the loudest sound I hear. I remember being a young girl who was so afraid of the unseen creatures lingering in the dark, so I shut my eyes so tightly while covering myself with my blanket. I was scared of the dark and its creatures, but why was I willing to have my eyes shut and find comfort in the view of my darkness? Was it because it was my choice, and I thought that I have the control then?

Whispers, footsteps, voices of people on the street, all of those become scary in the dark. But, why so?

There sure are a lot of questions in my mind that I have decided to set aside. They are still there, sitting in a corner, pushed back by so many worries, events, and concerns of my so-called reality. However, now, how I long to attend to them once more. Share my new experiences with them as I try to make sense of their existence. How I wish I could still bring back that young, innocent self so I can bring life to the creatures in the dark. I hope to get myself back from this slump and finally weave words, scenarios, dialogues, and even random mischiefs of my friends in the dark. The friends I learned to live when even when I was a child. The images of creatures that live in my imagination perhaps had the most vivid stories that could help others understand the mysteries of the mind and our senses—the sweet and subtle recollection of fear yet maturity. 

Years pass, yet time seems to be shorter as I grow older. Is this brought by the piling up thoughts brought about by the so-called adulthood? As I experience life’s daily offerings, my memories of past events increasingly become blurry at times. These moments bring a sudden jolt to my heart that pierces so violently that it brings tears to my eyes. However, even if this has now become my present, I still have hope that I am clinging to so I could continue. A promise that tomorrow is another chance to enjoy what I have at the moment. An opportunity to still share another new memory with my loved ones. There may even be many lingering questions of whys and what-ifs. However, I am trying my best not to let the past dictate my decisions. I chose to relearn the practice of living at the moment gradually. I would love to share my ideas with the ones who are willing to be with me. I would love to continue learning more about myself and the possibilities within my reach. I know that it would not be an easy task to accomplish, yet I am willing to leap. I cannot bring the past back; however, I can use the learning experiences to build the self I would like to see. There may still be new sets of whys and what-ifs along the way, but it is good that I now know the need to face them. That there is also a need to let go when it is time.


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