It is the lack of inspiration. It is the lack of proper motivation. Maybe it is the lack of time.
Whichever the reason may be, right now, they are merely excuses for me. There has been ample time for me to read books or watch an interesting film again once in a while. However, I always end up wasting my time daydreaming or binge-watching random TV dramas.
Well, more recently, I got to binge-watch old TV series that I loved. They weren’t so bright or feel-good ones, though. I couldn’t seem to escape that part of me growing up where I had been so fascinated with crime and dark stories. But I guess the real reason behind me not doing anything productive with my time is that I do not have any other creative ideas available.
In retrospect, more than a decade ago, I have been consuming numerous texts, and films, and even enjoying other creative activities. With those keeping me occupied, I also had a great number of ideas that I wanted to share. Now, as a working adult, I lost that luxury of time spent on artistic endeavors. Was it a bad decision on my end? Yes, somehow, but not entirely. I think my mind is filled with numerous concerns which I am not ready to face. Perhaps, I have all the ideas and even the drive at the back of my mind but do not have the strength to do anything at all.
Life has its ups and downs. Being an adult means gaining more responsibilities as well as keeping on track with various so-called more important tasks. There is a part of me that sees things differently now than a decade ago. For once, the passing of time seems closer than ever, and so is the end of life (of mine and most especially of the people close to me). Well, perhaps, that is too much to think about all at once. However, it is this reality that made me lose focus on my more creative side.
It is true that as I stopped consuming literature, films, and other art forms, I lost a part of myself. It has been challenging to pick up where I left off more than half a decade ago. There are only bits and pieces of those habits that I once lived with, yet now, I got nothing to help me move forward. So, here is me taking some small steps towards putting each piece back together. I know that there will be cracks somehow, yet I am willing to continue and see things till the end. For now, let me binge-watch various literature, films, and old series. I am willing to fill my time again with these activities that I somehow forgot about as essential parts of myself. Then, perhaps, this year, I will be able to find my old self again. Maybe even prouder than she could have imagined.
Yakapin 