Can a person live alone? No communication, no connection with anyone else.
Such a dreadful thought if you would ask me. I never really thought that I would feel the loneliness of being alone. This is not merely because of my singleness but the actual experience of being on my own most of the days.
As a Filipino, I was born and raised with the family at the center of my life. My family may not be the closest ones when we look at relationships, but we know that we are each others’ constants. That was why when I decided to move and live in Japan about a year and a half ago, I didn’t feel sad. There were no crying or the so-called sad goodbyes. My family and I had that critical and rational thinking that we would see each other right away thanks to the internet and various social media outlets.
So, in the entire year and a half of being in Japan, I didn’t feel too sad that I would break out into tears and confess to my family how I missed them. However, recently, something hit me. Perhaps, after keeping all the emotions to myself, there is just no more space for new ones. Surprisingly, the burst of emotions (tears) was so much that it even scared me. I didn’t fully understand why I was feeling this way. I couldn’t fully see the connections of all the events and all the strong, independent facade I have kept up since coming here. Now, I have to learn how to face them because as I see it the emotions plus the tears keep on peeking from here and there, attacking me unconsciously.
Is it really loneliness?
There have been times that whenever I feel that I am at the brink of tears, I try to provide myself with random excuses to make sense of my current emotional state:
- Perhaps, it’s only my hormones.
- Maybe, I am just consuming too much melodramas from my readings and TV show list.
- It could just be the result of the changing season. The cold days are almost over and now we are in spring, however, there have been rainy days in the past month.
- I guess I am overthinking things that I am overwhelmed, but not lonely.
No matter what other excuses I tell myself, it will not remove the fact that I have been in tears multiple times in the past month. The reasons I try to provide myself cannot mask the inevitable need for me to face my emotions. After all, it is my decision to isolate myself from all the other people who I learned to befriend here in Japan. It seems like a waste of time giving even an ounce of thought to the feelings that are stirring up my guts.
Maybe there always has to be that moment in my life that I have to let go, and not stick to my strong independent persona. After all, such an action and state will only lead me to pile up numerous emotional outbursts that would eat me up inside in no time. It seems like I need to finally show my vulnerable self for me to finally lose this burden in my heart. Maybe after finally accepting the reality that I am lonely as I miss my friends and family back home, I will be able to be stronger and much more in control of my emotions in the future.
Yakapin 