You work to live and you are not simply living to work. This is mainly the gist of common tips I hear from people who try to encourage me to continue working. This later became my own type of go-to reminder whenever I feel like giving up. Has it always been easy for “adults” to live a life they wished for?
Growing up, I always thought that people who are already in their 20’s know what they truly want in life. It seemed such a wonderful time to be at that stage of life when you have a profession that you can be proud of and share with the family. I also had that belief that people who are working in their 20’s had their life planned ahead of them; that life is such a black and white journey where there are milestones that you just need to check from your list and then you move on to the next phase. It was such a wonderful thought then. But now that I am in my mid-twenties, I see the world differently. Never really thought that there would be dozens of giants that I needed to face to reach the goal I wish to achieve. In fact, I am still on that road and not really sure what will be at the end of this journey. But, I think that there are still many giants that will be meeting me along the way.
Hope through the crossroads
As I moved through days, weeks, and months of working and finding purpose in my decisions, I realized that nothing is truly black and white. There isn’t a well-planned scenario in facing and living your life. Everyone has their own struggle that they wish to overcome. A few of them end their day successful, while others simply take a rest and prepare for tomorrow. They try to gain the confidence to get up once more and try again.
It’s a scary road ahead. There are shadows lurking all around that it is somehow unclear whether it’s best to stay still and just do the same things; or that it’s better to take another turn on this road of life.
There sure is no prepared blueprint to double check the next best step to make. I had to meet crookedly mighty giants of an experience before I truly got the hang of living. However, I gradually learned to appreciate the trials I faced as well as the crossroads that made me pause and rethought various aspects of my life. It was also an exciting opportunity to grow and discover something that one never could have imagined that they ever had in them. There was hope after all. No matter how bleak the chances were, I found hope through prayers.
I don’t want to sound religious as I am not. But I do believe in having faith in God. It was through faith that I found the strength to continue. This might not be the same process for everyone as each of us take a different step in surviving and living our lives. It’s our life, after all, it is not owned by anyone.
Letting Go
It was not easy accepting the fact that I was not okay. I had always thought of finding a solution first before finally letting go of a problem or any concerns that had been bothering me. Sometimes, the process was fast and I never really had to go back to worrying about them. But as I grew older, I think every little bit of residues from the past had finally accumulated that it was a complete struggle to breathe.
I had loads of moments when I simply cried whenever I felt that I was burned out, stuck at a stage in life, or simply had too many worries in my mind. I cried buckets of tears and mostly didn’t share any of those concerns with my friends or my family. I only learned recently that it would have been easier, somehow, if I shared my emotions with someone.
Who in their perfectly fine minds would not feel scared facing problems that seem bigger than themselves?
I felt scared and alone through those days when I thought that I was stuck in life while the rest of the people I care about continued with their lives without me. I felt trampled on the ground with my own insecurities as I pass on opportunities that may challenge me yet show my potentials in becoming a better me. I felt defeated.
Until I finally let go of all those worries, all the pains, and all the fears that had me pinned on the depth of immobility along the road of my life. I prayed, I sought assistance from friends, and I accepted the reality that I was not doing okay. I have not been okay for a while.
Continuing with the Journey
Once I finally faced my own denial, a great weight was lifted from my body. But I am not saying that I am 100% ready to face all the challenges ahead, I am simply starting.
I am still praying that God will be my strength. It has not been an easy journey as I still stumble sometimes (or often times). I am just a step forward to facing another giant coming my way. I am not getting any younger, but I am slowly gaining strength to move forward. I may fall down still, yet now, I am sure that I simply need to lift my burden to the Lord. I may have difficulties hearing Him as I may focus on the fear, but I will come back.
Yakapin 