Crying your eyes out early in the morning isn’t a great start for the day, but still getting up and preparing for work is a huge step in facing the day better. In fact, even just the thought of trying is a strong choice to make to begin the day. However, it is not that easy to do every single time this moment happens. This is something I realized just recently when I got to the lowest point of my physical, emotional, and even mental threshold; with the latter, an event that is totally new to me.
Calm Before the Storm
A quick background about me, I am the eldest of three and I just turned 26 this year which, I guess, stirred up a lot of unsettled emotions and thoughts within me. Growing up as the eldest child in a Filipino family setup means opening myself to maturity at an earlier stage compared to my siblings; though this may be the case with many other first borns.
Even when I was just in Grade 1, I remember having to do household chores at home as well as keeping an eye on my baby sister and my youngest brother. They are only roughly more than a year apart, unlike with me who is two years older than my sister and four years older than my brother. I thought it was a typical situation and simply enjoyed the days.
But, those were just the beginning of taking some responsibilities which I unconsciously dealt with, strongly and independently. With those experiences, I think I matured quickly and even didn’t really go through the usual pubescent and teenage days. I was the good girl who was responsible in and outside of the house – no late night parties, no secret relationships, no other surprising mishaps that many teenagers do during my time (this make it sound so old. haha. Also, not this is no offense to anyone who enjoyed their youthful days in a diffferent way). Anyhow, I later on saw that after working for almost six years now, it seemed like with the load of helping out at home, like helping with my siblings’ education and my parents’ bills, it came to me that I am somehow trying to lift the weight of those things slowly. I may be trying to explore new activities to help me “enjoy” some parts of my youth, still.
Independently Strong, It Seemed
With a step like I mentioned earlier, everything turned into a full dive with no air left to help me float. Then, somehow, I felt the veins almost popping inside, knocking me awake that I am not that strong at all. I may have tried being independent and strong but those weren’t all.
This, however, isn’t so easy on my part because it also involves a lot of unloading; physically, emotionally, and even mentally. This kind of phase is so new to me that I don’t know how to respond. I always needed to be that strong, independent girl who has to put up with a lot of different things and stressors so I wouldn’t bother anyone as I need to be responsible with my actions. Then this happens and it seems like I am not that strong and independent as I thought I am. This new experience came so sudden and with loads of tears along the way. I even got sick for weeks.
So, how to finally get up?
I basically wasn’t sure.
It took a while, a couple of weeks, of unloading stuff that suffocated me somehow without me knowing. Have you ever felt something like that? There has been events, moments, and even people around you that have been suffocating you for a long time already yet you never really knew about it. That was the kind of experience I had to go through before finally doing a step away from them.
I stumbled and almost got lost in the process. Then I really found time to reflect on what had been happening to me. I prayed, I rested, and then I decided. I sought help from friends as well by being vocal on what had been happening on my part because I personally wasn’t sure. As I open myself up and letting others see my vulnerability, I felt lighter.
It was best for me to keep a good distance, for now, from the people and events that have been suffocating me. I decided that I needed I fresh start somewhere, somehow. This was not an easy decision as there has never really been an easy way in letting go of the things that we have been used to already.
So, for me to get back up, I made a decision. A new start begins with a decision; in picking a choice that you think is best for you. It is never bad to think of ourselves every once in a while and be vulnerable to our weaknesses. This is an event that I know will make me stronger later on which I need. With that in mind, I am now here, stepping away slowly. I will be moving forward to another path in my life and, perhaps, learn along the way a thing or two which can make me a better friend, colleague, daughter, and even a teacher and a writer. 😉
Yakapin 