Adulting: Struggles of Letting Go

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Have you ever experienced a day when you just blurt out statements like ‘Shocks, I’m getting old!’ or ‘Seriously? How old are you?’? I have those moments now, but I’m not even close to turning 30. I just hit the sweet quarter of a hundred mark and yet I feel somehow overwhelmed on how ‘adult’ I should be after that particular age. I think of how “Oh dear, my officemate doesn’t know this or that anymore’; ‘The bills are here already!’; ‘I want to do that but I’m tired.’ Don’t those statements just sound sad?

In modern references, it is just a part of ‘adulting’ which everyone in their working years must face. However, as it seems to be a natural thing to happen, why are there a number of us who struggle with it?

Keeping Up with the Young Ones

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I think that there are times when the younger generation is catching up so fast in terms of age, but our sentiments are leagues away. This is one factor in how our ‘adulting’ becomes evident, and how this phenomenon seems like a burden. We start comparing our own memories to the ones who we somehow feel like us during those years.

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Hinga, May Isa Pa

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Sa pagsayaw ng liwanag ng kandila sa ating harapan
Pakaliwa’t pakanang pagsabay sa ating bawat paghinga
Minsan inaakala nating patapos na ang problemang noo’y nagpahirap
Sa puso nating punong-puno na ng di magagandang alaala
Na may iilang natirang peklat katabi nang unti-unting naghihilom na sugat

Kaso sa bawat hakbang pasulong at sa paglapat ng liwanag
Dahan-dahang nagbabalik ang hapdi sa mga gasgas na naghilom
Na ipinanalangin natin nang taimtim na sana’y di na magbalik
Pero ngayo’y nagbabadyang muling bumukas at magpahirap
Na muling kikirot habang pilit nating huwag pansinin

Kaya yata talaga matalinghaga ang takbo ng ating tadhana
Minsan ang liwanag kasi’y natatakpan ng mga ulap
Na pilit naman nating itinataboy sa pag-ihip
Ng mainit na hiningang nagsasabing

Ako at ika’y buhay pa

Na ano man ang mangyari, may isa pa tayong panangga
Ang huminga at magpatuloy sa pagharap sa kung ano pang ibato ng tadhana

Matuto rin tayong magpahinga upang tayo ay makalaya
Ihanda ang ating mga mata sa pagmasid sa paglubog at pagsikat ng araw
Magasgasan mang muli, kumirot mang muli ang ating mga puso
Mabulag man saglit sa kislap ng liwanag ng mga nakaraan
Tayo ay magpapatuloy, may isa pa tayong hininga

Seeing Colors – Job, Travel, and Life

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Seeing colors

There are a lot of things that I wish I knew, I hope I can still do, and I want to pursue. But at the end of the day, there are just too many to pick and I end up accomplishing nothing. Still, with the hope in my heart and the desire to finally put into work whatever ideas are screaming out of my mind, I take little steps. In those little steps, I learn, and later I see the beauty of a colorful set of life-worthy experiences that help in building the person I am now. Frankly speaking, I do like the way I am now (though there is a number I still want to improve).

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Plan for 2018

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[UPDATE 06/11/2018] This is still a plan and I was not able to really make this into a concrete action. But, it’s never too late to start. Maybe I can finally work on new posts starting this week up to maybe two to three months? 😉

Kislap

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Tutubi, tutubi, magmadali’t makipot riyan sa tabi
Bakit iba na ang daloy nang iyong paglipad?
Sumasayad at nangangapa sa lupa ang iyong mga palad

Dahan-dahang maglakad paroon sa paaralan
Dahil ang mangmang ay wala raw masasandalan
Maging ang ilang makukulay na paruparo
Sa kung saan-saan na laging nagsisitakbo
Ngayong nakagapos ang mga pakpak
Pilit kinakabisado ang numerong nakatatak
Sa kanilang noo na nagsasabi kung saan sila mapapadpad

Imulat mo ang iyong mga mata at tainga
Magmasid, makinig, magdasal nang taimtim
Di na ito tulad nang kinagisnang lansangan
Kung saan naghahanap lang ng aratiles sa daan

Alitaptap, alitaptap, ang dulo mo’y kumikislap
Hinahanap-hanap mo ba ang pangarap sa sulok-sulok
Ng siyudad na dahan-dahan nang nilamon ng alikabok?

Maging mga mangmang ay palaging may alam
Pagdating sa sinasabi nang iilan sa karamihan
Ni hindi na mabilang ang totoong nagtutulungan
Pero alamin mo pa ring may kislap na ikaw lang ang nakaaalam

Imulat mo lang ang iyong mga mata at tainga
Magmasid, makinig, magdasal nang taimtim
Darating din ang iyong pagkawala
Sa isang gapos ng nakaraan
Maging isang paruparong makulay
Isang tutubing mabilis sumabay
Sa pagbabago pero nananatiling matatag
Isang alitaptap na kumikislap
Nagpapaganda sa dilim na dala ng gabi

Alitaptap, alitaptap, ang dulo mo’y kumikislap
Tutubi, tutubi, magmadali’t makipot riyan sa tabi
Maging ang ilang makukulay na paruparo
Magsasama-sama sa pagpapatuloy,
Sa pagbabago, sa pagkawala sa gapos

Kikislap ang umaga sa kulay ng mga pakpak
Kikislap ang liwanag sa mga matang matitingkad
Kikislap ang gabi dala ng natatanging ilaw
Na di madaling makita sapagkat ilan lamang
Ang may tulad na kislap dala ng kanilang pangarap
Sana isa ka sa kanila, ngayon o bukas
Di mo kailangan magmadali
darating ang iyong paglipad, pagkislap

Broken, but working

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Today is the first time I broke my phone’s screen. I dropped my phone with the front screen facing the ground. My heart didn’t really skip a bit but then I was surprised that even with the tempered glass, the actual phone screen shattered (Maybe I am exaggerating on that part, but still).

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This is just a phone, what more if it was me that was broken…

It is Monday morning. There are a lot of things I have in mind to make the entire day productive and I am actually excited to work on those until I dropped my phone. It has been with me for less than six months and I have a lot of important data in it. The cover of it is broken, but the apps and the keys are still working well. Just like me, there are scars and scratches, but I am still living.

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Loving Life One Step at a Time

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How to truly love life?

There are times when struggles come hitting the door of my heart so hard that I end up curled up in bed, crying the pain away. As I grew older, those instances lessened; but when they arrive, they seem worse than before. There are a lot of confusion in my mind that somehow it made me numb. Until recently, I was not free from those moments but gradually I had overcome them (and still trying my best to overcome them).

One thing, however, remains constant which is my search for peace. I usually get those whenever I am with friends as well as with my mom (whenever we get to talk). Then, I thought that was it. I was wrong. There were more questions that started bugging me continuously through the years.

A Decision Worth Making

Not until the latter days of 2017 did I realize to make a step to face this problem. I got back to God.

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Magandang Umaga, Tara!

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Dumudungaw ang mainit na haplos ng liwanag
Mula sa kurtinang dahan-dahang sumasayaw
Sa bawat pagbati ng malamig na hangin

Unti-unting umaangat mula sa sahig na pulang-pula
Mga alaalang binabagtas ang makinis na paalala
Isang bagong umaga ang masayang bumubulaga

Ang tahanang noo’y puno nang sapot na ipinaikot-ikot
Sa may sulok na nalimot na ng panahon
Ngayo’y tahanan na rin nang mga alikabok
Na may bahid ng saya’t lungkot ng kahapon

Mga ngiti nang pag-uunat ng mga sanggol ang sagot
Sa pagbuka nang palad tiyak na ang pagkalimot
Sapagkat sa umagang ito tuluyang babangon
Magsisimula ng bagong pahina sa libro ng pagbabago

Ineng, ineng ang baga ay nasa iyong paanan
Totoy, tara sumigaw nang pagkagilagilalas
Ganito ang hiling ng mga mumunting bumabagtas
Sa dagat na puno ng alon at pag-aalala
Sa kagandahang dapat sana’y noon pa nakita

Dumudungaw ang mainit na haplos ng liwanag
Mula sa kurtinang dahan-dahang sumasayaw

Unti-unting umaangat mula sa sahig na pulang-pula
Mga alaalang binabagtas ang makinis na paalala

Isang bagong umaga ang masayang bubulaga

Looking Back before Moving Forward to 2018

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Today, I can say that welcoming my 25th year wouldn’t be that bad after I have grown to know more about myself as well as the different things that truly matter to me. However, before I can move forward to welcoming 2018, there are a lot of experiences that I need to look back to as I reflect and finally put them out of my mind and my heart. This is me letting go of those moments for me to have space for new ones in my head and my heart.

June 2013 – early 2015

  • ESL work -> got burned out from it 😦

Right after graduation, there were a lot of experiences that opened my eyes to how different it was to be a student and to be a part of the workforce. I spent almost two years of my post-grad concerns focused on a job which challenged me a lot (physically, mentally, and emotionally).

This was the time I realized that I wasn’t that good enough to be working in this field, but I didn’t let that stop me from doing well. So, I studied, I practiced, I endured, and I became a better ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher than how I thought I could be. Though, there were still a number of times when I truly wanted to cry from exhaustion and just quit. Like why in the first place was I there? I wasn’t even a speech communication graduate; I chose writing as my major!

Honestly, for the first three to five months, I had always thought of quitting. Then, the kids came to the academy. I had to endure all the challenges and faced them head-on. I loved the kids, I loved how I was sharing a part of my knowledge with them, and I love how I was becoming a part of their growth as an individual. As I saw them improve, I felt that I needed to be there to guide them. This was not an entirely good choice, though.

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